My Story

My story – who am I and what made me the woman I am today? My name is Katrin Gray, or Kat, and I am living a life of abundance today. I am happy and content in every area of ​​my life. In my partnership, in family life, in my connections with friends, in my career, in relation to myself, with what I have and where I am. However, this was not always the case. There were times in my life when I could never have imagined a golden future. There were times of anxiety, depression, eating disorders, drug use, and suicidal thoughts.

In the following I would like to invite you to hear my story and learn how it began. After that you will surely understand that you too can achieve everything in your life, regardless of where you are right now. If I could do it, so can you! It doesn’t matter what you have experienced or where you are right now, if you are willing to heal then everything is healable and everything is possible!

Bumpy Beginnings

My story first began in a small village near Hanover in Germany. After my parents separated, my ideal world was shattered for the first time. I was 5 years old then. Luckily, it didn’t take long for my mum to meet my adoptive father and I was back in a nice family constellation. Although I had a great surrogate father, I wished I had more contact with my birth father. Unfortunately, I saw him only once a month for the next 11 years.

My Story – Time as a Teenager

As a teenager, I was convinced that I had to be as skinny as possible. As a gymnast, dancer and hareback rider, it was important to be slim and light. The multiple changes of school and the associated hurdles of having to find my way into a new class community each time also meant that I wanted to be as “invisible” as possible. As a result, I sometimes starved and would throw up after meals on purpose. However, my thin body didn’t protect me from my classmates, but gave them even more reason to talk about me. I still remember very clearly the panicky feelings I had when I was in the schoolyard.

Best Girl friend?!?

When I was about 14 years old and found myself in a new school, I thought I had at least found one good friend. She was basically the only person I was with during school hours. However, one day the girls in my class launched a hate campaign against me. One of the girls walked over to my friend and pulled her away from me on her arm and towards the group. Here I noticed that the resistance of my so-called girlfriend was not as great as I would have liked. As a result, I was all alone in the middle of the schoolyard. As much as I wished not to show my deep hurt, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I felt so alone and my faith in the “sisterhood” was broken. Ever since then I’ve had a hard time trusting other girls and women.

Saying Goodbye

Shortly after my 16th birthday I received shocking and unexpected news. My biological father passed away suddenly and without any warning at the age of only 42. Since he worked as a police man in a special commando of the German police and was an adventure junkie, I could never have imagined that he would suddenly and unexpectedly be gone. For me he was the strongest man in the world and I had no doubts that he would live to be over 100 years old. This experience knocked the ground out from under my feet. There were still so many things unsaid. It took me over 10 years to process his death. I still miss him today.

The darkes Night

My story continued darkly for the time being. When I was 18, I was sexually abused by an acquaintance I knew at the time. The resulting trauma continued like a rat’s tail through the next few years. Two trials that resulted in no conviction due to lack of evidence made me lose faith in justice. Paranoia, panic attacks, insomnia, disgust with myself, compulsive washing, self-harming behavior and renewed eating disorders were part of my life at the time.

However, this time was not only hard for me, but also for my whole family, who supported me as best they could. After trauma therapy and almost 6 months in a psychiatric ward, things slowly started to improve again. This was followed by an ambulant therapy. However, some unhealthy behaviors and urges to self-harm lingered for a while.

The Gauntlet

It was certainly hard enough to process the sexual abuse. However, this caused further turbulence in my young life. After leaving psychiatry, I went back to school. Because of the long break, I had to repeat 12th grade. In the new year I was again surrounded by new students. I just wanted to be invisible. When school was finally over, I was very happy. I didn’t go to my graduation celebrations, nor did I ever pick up my yearbook.

But it was also difficult outside of school. Since all this happend in a small town, many people knew my tormentor and heard about what happened. Because there was never a conviction, there were a corresponding number of people who judged without being present at the situation. So for a long time I had the feeling that people were whispering about me. I can still remember the feeling of panicking and not being able to breathe.

Sex, Drugs & Rock ‘n’ Roll – Or something like that?!

After graduating from high school, I got into the modeling industry and worked as an international fashion model for a few years. On the one hand I developed a little more self-esteem, on the other hand my self-confidence was shattered again in many castings without subsequent bookings. Life in shared model flats in Shanghai, Beijing, Bangkok etc. was often nice, but we were all somehow alone in the big wide world. The nightly parties and the freely available cocaine and ecstasy made it easier for us to forget our negative experiences, at least for a moment.

My Story – Toxic Relationships

I’ve had a few relationships with men over time, but not all have always been rosy. Due to my own trauma, I have developed unhealthy attachment styles and have often sought out partners with whom I have been trauma-attached. The result has often been toxic relationships that haven’t done me any good.

The biggest Breach of Trust

After getting married in 2009 I thought I had found the man of my life. We left Germany together and lived in Australia, Thailand and Egypt, among other places. For more than 5 years we went through “thick and thin” together, until the moment of fainting arrived. My husband, whom I trusted more than anyone else at the time, had lived a double life. He had all sorts of affairs beside me and ended up leaving me for one of these. It felt like someone had ripped the rug out from under my feet. I just felt numb and wondered what I could have done wrong. Why wasn’t I enough? I had been a good wife, why couldn’t he love me?

My Story – Healing and Change

At the time I was 29 years old. I knew I now had two choices. Either way, I’d take the path back down, with self-sabotage and all that went with it. The other option, however, was to grow from this situation. So I took responsibility for myself and my life again. I put all my power into healing, love and creation. Today I love every moment of my life, even the ones when I’m sad. Because I have learned that these feelings are also allowed be there and that I can give them space. I am thankful for everything that has happened to me, positive and negative.

Today I know that everything that happens to me in my life is done to serve me. Everything has a purpose and everything has made me the woman I am today. I’m looking forward to my future because I know it’s going to be great. And not only that – I now know that I can overcome any obstacle in my life. In addition, I know that every challenge makes me grow and stronger.

Ensure Safety

After realizing that I was severely traumatized, I made sure to feel safe first. Through various techniques I have learned to regulate my nervous system. As a result, I now know how to hold myself in all situations, even if they are new or trigger old trauma. These techniques are applicable to everyone and can be practiced in everyday life. In this way we can make sure that we feel safe, always.

I’m no more Victim!

The drama triangle consists of three positions. At the bottom is the victim, at the top left is the savior or hero, and next to them is the villain. For a long time I was trapped in the victim role and accordingly blamed others for what they did to me. However, even if bad things are done or happening to me, how I deal with them and how I feel about them is my own responsibility. If someone offers me the drama triangle today, I won’t even go in. Because only when I go in do I assume the role of the victim, the villain or the rescuer. I’m not ready to take on any of those roles today. Instead, I believe in personal responsibility and that everything that happens to us in life can serve us.

Empowerment and Creation

Despite my still healing wounds, I believed in myself and my own power. As a result, I got into creation, among other things, and awakened the creator in me. Although I had many doubters and critics around me, I went the path of self-realization. I have fulfilled my childhood dream and become a “real” mermaid. In addition, I have built my heart business from “mermaiding”. This brings an incredible amount of joy into the world and fills me up. It has also gifted me with financial independence and abundance. I can run this company from anywhere in the world, because I have a breathtaking team that has become family. No dream is too big or impossible to achieve.

My Soul Man

After my ex-husband broke my heart so badly, I now had two choices. I could either close my heart or open it to a new love. Luckily I’ve opened up to a new love. Today I’m with Ian, who I’ve known for over 10 years. We live a wonderful life in Australia, which is filled with regular travel and adventure among other things. Our relationship has had its ups and downs over the years, but our communication has improved with every crisis. It’s as if our foundation is getting stronger and we’re growing closer and closer together on various levels. I wish for every girl or woman in this world to be loved as much as Ian loves me. And I wish for every human being that they could love someone as much as I love Ian.

Sexual Healing

For a long time I was not aware that I had experienced multiple sexual traumas. Not only the rape in my youth traumatized me. As I found out, other women in my family also suffered sexual abuse before I was born. The energy of a trauma can be passed on for 7 generations. Because of this, I’ve had a dysfunctional relationship with sex for a long time. I tried to do justice to the existing image of female sexuality. “Women have to be seductive”, “Women are ready for sex after a few minutes” and also “women have an orgasm after a short time through the penetration of a penis”.

It’s only since I healed my sexual trauma that I’ve been able to fully enjoy my female sexuality. I now understand that the public portrayal of female sexuality is, for the most part, absolute nonsense and I am in tune with my beautiful yoni (Sanskrit, an ancient Indian language meaning vagina, vulva and uterus together). I didn’t have my first orgasm until I was 34, but today they are all the more intense. For me it is something very special that Ian is the only person with whom I was able to experience this. My own healing was important. However, it was also important to find a partner who would be patient, empathetic and would touch my heart before touching me between my legs.

Healing the Sisterhood

After losing faith in other girls and women during my school days, it was now time to heal the sisterhood. I realized that there are no “toxic” or “bad” people, but there are “severely traumatized” people. So my circle of acquaintances changed. The relationships with the friends, who themselves started the path of healing and growth, have become all the deeper. Contact with those who were not yet ready to heal their trauma and leave their addiction to drama has faded over time. The women I am in regular contact with are wonderful beings. We empower, celebrate and support each other. We laugh together, we cry together, we hold each other. We meet as equals and are allowed to be who we really are. We choose zero drama and focus on the positive.

Forgiving Others

Although I let Ian into my heart relatively quickly after breaking up with my ex-husband, I still had thoughts of revenge on my ex-husband for a long time. I wanted him to suffer. I would have liked to see him standing in the fire, just like the women he cheated on me with and everyone else who knew about it. Through my own healing, awakening of my inner goddess, and everything I’ve accomplished since, one day I was able to forgive my ex-husband. Once I understood that I needed to go through those depths in order to grow, the apology or at least some explaining conversation I had always wished for was no longer necessary. When I think back to my ex-husband today, I hope he’s okay. I wish that he lives a fulfilling life. In addition, I hope that he has found someone he can truly love now and that love will be returned. I am also thankful for all the good times we had together. There was a whole lot of that.

Forgiving Myself

Forgiving, however, did not just involve forgiving others. Furthermore, it was necessary to forgive myself as well. I know that I have hurt others in my life. As a result, I have certainly traumatized other people as well. Even though I can’t undo this, I know today that a lot happened because of my own unhealed trauma. Trauma forms, among other things, trauma reactions, fears and entangled attachment styles to other people that are stored deep in the subconscious. They often expire automatically. Now I’m in a much better position to identify this should it reappear. Accordingly, I would have different options for action today than I had before. In order to continue to heal and become the best version of myself, it was necessary to forgive myself. While we are not all perfect, we are all valuable and inherently good.

My Story – Becoming a Visionary

I believe that we are all traumatized in some way these days. Accordingly, now is the time to embark on the path of healing. Having walked this path myself, I would like to accompany you on your way as well. I’m not your savior, but I have certain tools I can give you to help you. How empowered will you feel when you have accomplished your self-healing on your own responsibility? Then what can you possibly create? What will your life be like then? My vision is that through healing we can create a society that feels safe to us and that we want to live in. A society without drama, where we can be appropriately happy for others, supporting and empowering one another. How nice would it be to live in a society where we stop judging others and act out of love instead? Do you share this vision with me? Then let’s go!

What I can do, you can too!

I don’t want to pretend to know how you’re doing or what you’re going through right now. Whether my story is similar to yours or you have a completely different one, I don’t know. However, I know this much: no matter how heavy your backpack is, you can put it down and make yourself grow wings. You are a goddess just waiting to be resurrected. Let’s go on this journey together. Since I have already walked this path, it is a pleasure for me to take you by the hand and guide you a little. Be inspired and find the way to shape your life the way you want it to be. Everything is possible! There are only limits if you create them yourself. Let’s turn your life into a masterpiece.

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